Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Sonograms: what the hell are we looking at here anyway?

(Looking at sonograms is like looking at clouds. I see a frog.)

Sonograms are weird. The whole process is weird. The people who perform the sonogram are weird, the doctor who analyzes the sonogram is weird and the ten other people in the room are weird. Matter of fact, I think I am kinda weird during the sonogram.
I am a little put out by the extreme amount of goo that they squirt on Sylvia's belly. It looks like she has been busting ghosts. I also find it strange how comfortable the doctors are with poking the belly. Don't babies have soft head to allow the fetus to cross through the pelvis? Is poking the head a good idea?
Man, speaking of mailable heads, we watched a video at the baby training and the baby they were featuring came out looking like a slimy baby pope. He had a tiny miter on. The doctors slapped him and lit a fire in the fireplace. Lets hope baby Thurmond doesn't have such a piked noggen.

Anyway, here is a picture of the first sonogram:

As you can see, the tiny fetus was very dapper in its first few days of life. This is no doubt due to superlative genetic componentry. The "peanut" as we called it could do a mean Charleston but due to its size, it went unnoticed. The peanut did not stay this size, however. It began to grow rapidly. Sylvia often complained of cramps that I surmised could only be caused by tiny one-armed push-ups. There was not a question in my mind that our baby was training. Training for the big event. The GBE. The infant had plans of shooting out of the womb like a russet out of a potato gun. Here is a photo of the fetus at about 10 weeks:

(Impressive, I know.)

At our next sonogram, I noticed that our child was showing a affinity for the arts. Here you can see Baby Thurmond playing a lovely Baroque piece, I believe Orazio Vecchi's L'Amfiparnaso , on the clavichord:
By 25 weeks, Baby Thurmond was showing that there was no field out of reach for this child. Check out this special glimpse we got one afternoon:

Baby Thurmond is demonstrating the formula for velocity and calculating his/her trajectory by which he/she will engage in the GBE. Maybe that's why he has to have a cone shaped head. Maybe Baby Thurmond is going to try and shoot across the room like so many spuds fueled by Aquanet.

Well, even through the miracle of modern science that is the sonogram, we have seen Baby Thurmond as a very advanced fetus, I guess we won't know how talented he/she will be until he or she pops out. I think parents can only hope that their children will be very special. I can only imagine how proud the parents of the child below felt when they had a baby with a full beard:

One can only pray for such a special child. Chuck Norris's parents must have been very excited.

1 comment:

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